Feelings
by fjltbh
Summary: Gray struggles to come to terms with the overwhelming emotions that come to the surface in light of recent events. Will Eventually be Natus x Gray. Natsu's feelings will also be explored culminating in a explosive yet enduring relationship. May be slightly OOC & Slightly AU. Set after they return from the Tower of Heaven but before the Fantasia Parade and the Battle of Fairy Tail


Here is something ive been working on for quite a while, as you can see this is my first fanfic (well one finished enough that I'm willing to post it anyway)

Please Feel free to comment and give me some feedback, it would be much appreciated!

This is set after the group return from the Tower of Heaven but before the Fantasia Parade and the Battle of Fairy Tail

My FanFic will progress through the cannon events but may be slightly OOC and perhaps AU as I add in time and events that wont / didn't happen

I am sad to say I don't own the rights to any of the characters or anything pertaining to Fairy Tail manga anime or story.

Enjoy Reading!

Lying quietly on his bed he stared aimlessly up at his ceiling and for the hundredth time sighed heavily, he'd given up trying to quiet the never ending stream of thoughts that bombarded his consciousness; he'd abandoned his fruitless attempts to comprehend the jumble of things that demanded his attention; they pressed at his skull mercilessly, trying to break themselves free. When he gave in and did pay them mind he was awash with a plethora of emotions that he had absolutely no hope to figure out, leaving him mentally drained, exhausted and overwhelmingly confused. So here he lay, in the early hours of the morning lost in enveloping silence, motionless, resigned to his inevitable lack of sleep and tormented by the migraine that loomed on the horizon like a storm just waiting to break.

The last few months his life had been one thing after the other, just when he thought it couldn't get any worse or that he'd finally have time to comprehend the aforementioned events, another situation came along and threw itself selfishly into his unsuspecting lap. It was at times like this that he's is reminded that he's a member of fairy tail, these things are as normal to them as the changing seasons; perpetually going from one to the next in an ever constant flow; trouble pursued them relentlessly it seemed. Normally the young ice mage wouldn't be phased by such occurrences as common as they were to his life, yet this string of evens had been more than their usual set of circumstances. These had been more personal on quite a few levels and had left him mentally drained and at odds with himself. He didn't know where to even begin addressing the horde of troubles and questions that attacked him, he couldn't escape his mind, there was nowhere he could run, he couldn't fight them away, he couldn't block them out and hope they'd just disappear, he'd tried that one already to no avail, he was at a complete loss.

In the end he'd just given in, he now found himself lay down in his empty apartment with silent tears running down his cheeks and a painful ache in his chest. He hated being so weak, he hated admitting to himself that he could be so vulnerable, at the mercy of his raging emotions. He hadn't been this unsettled in a very, very long time and that angered him. He was angry that he couldn't control himself, that despite being an eighteen year old mage belonging to the strongest guild in the land who was anything but weak, had been overpowered by the torrent of feelings that had built up within him.

The stillness of the room was broken as his fist collided with the wall aggressively, accompanied by a strangled cry of anguish that died away into heavy breathing laboured by the weight of his emotions. Everything had gotten so complicated, the normally stoic attitude he found solace in had fractured away leaving him exposed; growing more frustrated as time passed he couldn't help the bitterness that ate away at him, that wanted to blame someone, anyone, for the weight that pressed him, for the situations that had led to this state of affairs.

Ur and Lyon, Lluvia, the bastards of Phantom Lord, namely Gajeel, and then all of Erza's ex-nakama, and Jalell, yet somehow more than all of them he wanted to blame Natsu. He wanted to selfishly blame the hot-headed, immature, yet inexplicably alluring boy that he loved to hate and unfortunately for Gray hated to love, but nevertheless love him he did. He wanted to lay all of this on them, yell, kick, scream, swear and shout, beat them all to hell, but in spite of that he knew this wasn't their fault, sure they weren't blameless and they had certainly caused him a hell of a headache, literally but his current state was his alone to deal with. It was the culmination of everything he'd been ignoring for years; they had finally caught up with him and demanded resolution.

Despite everything he could move past his 'brothers' misguided notions, after all he understood the sentiment behind them, Lyon was just lost and overwhelmed as he once had been, no major harm had been done and Lyon had come around; yes a lot of issues and emotions had been dredged up coming face to face with Deliora. He remembered vividly the day it'd destroyed Ishban and taken away everything he'd held dear, for years that had been his motivation to become a mage, he'd wanted nothing more than to gain enough power to kill the monster responsible for his villages destruction and his parents death. He'd been consumed by hatred and pain and blind to the new family he'd gained in Ur and Lyon, the fucking irony was that he was to lose his new surrogate mother to the very same monster.

Even in death she'd protected him, shielded him from the agonies of his past, she had sealed that away for him, given her life to end his pain, he bore witness to both the moments prior to and the aftermath of her selfless sacrifice; to his heart and mind he didn't deserve such a gift, yet was powerless to do anything but accept it and live with the pain, remorse and gilt it birthed.  
He loved her deeply, and mourned her fiercely; he hated being reminded of his weakness, that his recklessness and impatient revenge had cost him greatly, that his emotions had burned hot within his veins as they had once again when confronted with his past daemons; he was and always had been powerless to them, a slave to the anger and pain born from fear and loss; here was another shining example of this weakness, having to once more confront everything he thought he'd laid to rest. He felt ashamed, he had vowed long ago to honour her by moving past it letting go and living on, yet here he was once more in turmoil wishing more than anything for this pain and hate to leave him once and for all.

Once more his thoughts brought him full circle to Natsu, Natsu had broken past the fires that consumed him quelled the blazes of hatred and revenge that licked at his tortured soul, he had walked through the inferno, as he always managed to, both physically and metaphorically, and quenched the anger that threatened to overtake him; in that moment Gray found what he needed, he was reminded of Ur's words, her sacrifice, her need for him to live on, his friends need for him to live on. It was painfully ironic that the impatient, hot-headed, act first think later dragon slayer had been the one to temper Gray's recklessness and ground him. He'd seen in his eyes; heard in his voice, all the unspoken words and feelings that passed in that singular moment, he'd seen all that he needed right then, all he'd ever need, an intense and unwavering love, friendship and loyalty that had rendered his heart defenceless and his mind speechless.

His feelings for the fire mage weren't new to him; in fact he'd known he'd been attracted to men for a very long time, Natsu in particular since puberty stuck, this was just one more thing he'd been suppressing, reluctant to admit to himself; not the fact that he was gay, no, in fact he felt quite comfortable in that, no he was simply unwilling to admit that it was his rival and begrudged best friend and teammate that he had unwittingly come to like. Nevertheless in that moment there was no denying what was screamingly obvious and painfully real, to him at least; if before he had felt like he was drowning, now he was scrabbling for air after being dragged from the depths to finally surface, being metaphorically blinded in the light of his feelings. What made it worse was the fact that the other was, and always would be ignorant to his feelings. Gray had no intentions of revealing himself to the pinkette as he was positive that the other wouldn't and couldn't understand or return his feelings and despite what everyone else thought, his current relationship with Natsu was something he treasured and wouldn't risk losing it for the sake of something that would never come to fruition. On their return from Galuna Island he had decided to continue on as he always had, continuing to be the petulant, provoking, rambunctious pair everyone expected seemed the easiest way to attain some semblance of normality and control over his yearnings. Well at least that had been his plan, the guild being attacked and his nakama being abused and threatened certainly wasn't in his strategy for returning to normality, yet it did serve to distract him from his wandering thoughts about his dragon slayer.


End file.
